the quick once-over.

been back in syds a bit over a week now. sorta back on track, kinda finding a different grounding. perhaps things are falling back into some mundane routinary activities that provide boredom, if boredom ca be considered a provision.

back on the tv track. i was before the massive strange camera that had a mind of its own. i struggled so much to control the beast and alas i managed to keep the subject in view 99.9% of the time, however, couldn't fully control the beast to administer smooth movements.

the child of the beast was better and then i accidentally let my vocal cords (and my sense of hearing as well as my commonsense) slip that i spoke to 1/3 of the congregation and caused some sort of commotion. i made people notice me, look at me and laugh WITH me. it was funny and embarrassing to a certain degree. but no big deal.

i still love cinematogrphy. hold that thought. i have to use the rest room.

how surreal, how surreal - back in syds!

Yay I'm back in Sydney. Don't get me wrong, I had a fab time in Filo land. It was actually difficult to leave. I just didn't let it get to me as life must go on and I have work and all that to get back to.

I've never been away from Sydney this long and so now I'm still in lala land state, that dreamy feeling when you go overseas after being in one country for an extended period. I never seem to get that when I go to the Phils from here though. Weird weird.

Went to Wesley last night with mom. Savoured one of Gordon Moyes' last few sermons. He talked about knowing our heritage to be able to know our destiny. Our heritage is that we are a pilgrim people. We live by faith though we don't really know where we are to stay. But then we keep travelling until we reach where we are destined to be. I love sermons of faith because you just get that affirmation you need that keeps you going, that keeps your faith growing.

Work was good today. Spent the whole day checking emails and sneaking out with my colleage so we can have a bit of a chat (gossip time). So many little changes but I still love my team.

Tribute to Thanksgiving

I love the whole concept of Thanksgiving Day. I wish we have that everywhere. I was actually hoping to be in Houston by Thanksgiving this year. If I did make it there, even my grandparents will be around. I'd be counting lots of blessings then and just enjoying the turkey, however they decide to serve it. But at that state, I think I'd be happy even with just veges and water.

I do have a lot of things to be grateful for. A lot of these things are those that I have in the past 25 years would most often than not take for granted. Relatives play a huge part of our lives in this part of Asia and I have never until this point realized how much love they tend to express even amidst stern poker faces.

I also find it amazing to be able to ring up friends that I have not seen since my high school graduation and then find the same old friendship lying underneath. As if no one is affected by time, as if nobody moved. That goes for a huge chunk of my friends. I have after all been gone for about 4 years and I do not even call all these people. It is amazing when you discover people really deserve to be called friends when they seemed to be mere acquaintances.

Crazy Thought: Maybe radioactive iodine is ecstasy in another form.

ADoPTaTION

It is one of those thoughts that would naturally enter my mind whenever 'sponsor a child' comes up, which is quite often where I tread in Sydney.

Mom recently went to see the dentist in the building where we grew up, which is also the gossip hub for not-so-discrete reasons. They told my mom that my childhood playmate's baby sister, currently 16 y.o., has recently given birth to a baby girl. Baby's dad ditched the teenage girl.

It is a sad fact. I pity the girl and I have to say I have no clue as to how the family treated the issue. They were never conventional to begin with so maybe for all we know, everyone's just cool about it. Being 'cool about it' just ain't a popular mindset where we are.

There was the urge to go visit but then there is a tinge of hesitance as my childhood friend and I have gone our separate ways about 15 years ago, not to mention that from the looks of things, we do not pave along the similar roads, and chances are, we might belong to entirely different societal tribes.

I am pro-adoption, however. I believe in reaching out to kids, perhaps along the Nicole Richie - Lionel Richie line. It will be good for my parents, too should they employ such tactic as my brother will be heading overseas soon and then there will just be mom and dad left with the maid (who'd have less things to do - as if she had a lot to do to begin with).

I know for a fact that my mom would be keen on a baby girl. I once asked her why she wants to adopt and she commented on how she only has two kids. After all, she had 8 sisters and 4 brothers. If all pregnancies go well, she would probably have about seven other siblings, for all I know.

On the one hand I am glad I only have one younger sibling. If I were the second child, I probably would not mind having a few more little siblings. Being the eldest is just going to be such a burden should I be deemed responsible over the actions and mis-actions of those younger than me. Believe me, I used to complain heaps about that and I only have one younger brother! Maybe God knows I would not be able to cope with many young kiddies.

This time, I reckon if my parents did take a kid in, she'll be like the eldest, in a way, as me and my bro will be MIA for who knows how long. If ever we come home, they would be breezy visits where we would probably be spoiling the kid. All that in tow, maybe she will be spoiled rotten.

Or maybe my mom would shower all her time on her that she would turn out exactly how mom wanted her daughter to turn out. Perhaps more like her, less like me. Not that I am sorry I turned out this way.

However I am, at this point in time, is pretty much influenced by a lot of little choices I had consciously made, intending to reach certain mini goals. Not exactly mom's ideal, but I was afterall on a quest to find my individuality.

On the other hand, the whole adopt-a-baby-girl project seems more like an expermiment of sorts. Perhaps it would lead to a better understanding of my psyche and that of my family. Something I have long been curious about and was tapped on as I started to dig my paws into some General Psychology. No regrets, no reproaches, just pure analysis and that mirror-in-front-of-me type of exercise. No dissonance there so far.

I am afterall passionate about a lot of the things involved.

Starbucks AGAIN!?!

>>> cup counting <<<
Had two cups of Starbucks yesterday. One before lunch and a decaf after dinner. I couldn’t sleep last night. I was too jumpy, even tried to get online and perhaps blog just to tire myself but the ding-a-dang-a-ding-a-ling of a dial-up connection I have just isn’t willing to let me enter cyberspace. I was even looking forward to maybe chatting with my Bostonian-for-now flatmate.

Perhaps Starbucks should not be taking the blame. I know my coffee and decaf is definitely decaf, unless they did a big boo boo and did not do decaf. You cannot really taste the difference. I could not, unless you know the decaf beans are old and battered as is the case in Wynyard, then decaf’s really gonna taste weird.

>>> Narlyn’s birthday lunch <<<
Yesterday was my first day out so I was like a kid let out in the sun after a whole week of begging to be let out. Headed to church, was happy with whatever I pulled out of the closet, met up with Nar and headed to the mall together. It was her birthday bash of sorts and the last time I’m ever gonna see her on this leg of my one-legged trip.

We did a few rounds of window shopping (we did grab some stuff from Body Shop, she got a pair of earrings which looked fab on her and I got a belt). Had a chat over a cuppa, went for another round then headed for lunch at the Outback.

There was six of us, three of which, I just met then. It was just great company. For some reason, there is something about meeting good friends of really close friends. You just develop a certain liking (or even loving) for them even before they open their mouths. In this particular group, it is also the air around them. I just got that good vibe from them.

Outback used to be my fave not because it’s aussie but it used to be excellent. Yesterday was a bit disappointing. It could be me as my perception of food has gone a but haywire. I have to go to Ripples when I fly back to Syds to verify that. But the brownie fudge thang that we got for the birthday girl was magnifico. Overall, company matters way more than the food.

>>> the typical Sunday stuff that I love <<<
Met up with the rest of the family after giving Narlyn a bear hug goodbye, did a quick buy, bumped into members of the extended family, had a quick chat then we were home bound. Mom had to run off to a seminar and three of us just chilled at home. Bro and I chatted vis-à-vis Mr. Bean which was on Disney behind closed doors.

Had dinner at a Jap place. I normally don’t do Jap and Chinese when I’m home as I have too much Jap in Syds and I’ve had too much Chinese my entire life and was opting for Spanish but everyone else preferred Jap over Spanish. I let them have it. Starbucks thereafter. I’m collecting stickers at Starbucks cos after like 21 drinks or something you get a cool planner that you cannot purchase outright! I have like 15 more stickers to collect!

I’ve scheduled to meet up with my college friends on Tuesday. My mom said yes and kinda left things for me and my bro to figure out so I was ecstatic! I guess everything put together just made me so hyper.

>>> end notes <<<
I am starting to wonder whether the radiation stuff did something to me. My mood’s been soaring since Friday. It’s just weird. In a good way, of course.

WOW Factor: Bram Cohen’s wizardry (of Bit Torrent fame) and scanned Amazing Spiderman Comics!

more random thoughts...

I cannot believe I own a size 18 shirt! That’s more than double my size! I’ve probably had that shirt for more than 10 years and I’ve forgotten about it’s existence pretty much halfway through. Mom’s dug it up the other day, finding what else I can wear that I’ve left (and didn’t really want) when I went to Sydney. I’ve started to wonder how on earth I’ve pulled the look. A big fashion faux pas. As I wear it with my pyjamas, it looked like a very loose shirt dress, no shape whatsoever. It is way too long for it’s width though. I can never understand how they made this shirt. I remember owning another one of the same brand, which I believe was better fitting. It kinda grew wide after each washing but was a bit short. See what I mean?

I’m not a big fan of Charles Darwin, in fact I’d rather pretend he did not exist. But I cannot deny the fact that I love the word “evolution”. It signifies a process of grandeur change. I’ve started to embrace change over the past years, however hard it is and evolution is just the word that contains the positivism in change as well as the capacity of one to adapt to the change. Perhaps what it connotes it is not always something good but there are just words that seem to scream positivism to me. When people tell me I am crazy, I take it as a compliment. I know other people who react similarly and I love them people! I guess we’re just the ones who see the glass as half full.

My water colours finally came yesterday. They came in the form of two kiddie water colour packs. I used to have more professional ones when I was in high school. Or maybe that was sixth grade. I cannot really remember. But the colours, though of limited quantity, were of amazing quality, the brushes were fab and oh, I just loved them. But anyway, I was still happy because I’m simply picking up where I left off, not like I’m ‘maestro pintor’ of some sort.

The brushes I now have, I can hardly use as they were overly stiff. Try running the brush through your skin and you will definitely get scratches. I tried digging up for my old nice ones but I think I’ve shipped them over to Sydney, where I hardly paint so I had to settle for Chinese calligraphy brushes and a not so good one but better than the new ones brush.

I painted my afternoon away and whilst I used to hinge on the abstract and graffiti styles, I tried to paint pictures reminiscent of some Van Gogh paintings I’ve come across in the past. Perhaps Van Gogh did them when he was two. In comparison, mine looked like an embryo’s attempt at painting. I enjoyed it nonetheless and almost used up the 15 peso water colour. I still have one more set of colours to devour and a week to do some more artwork.

I have just been looking through things I have written in the past, most of which are blogs and I’ve read an entry around January where I’ve said that my life will definitely take a turn this year. I guess it has been around several little corners. This down time has been good and it ain’t over yet. Still have a week to go. I have the going-back-to-work jitters which I should ignore and will ignore.

Post-Retreat Reflections, or whatever it’s called!

>>> back track <<<
I’ve finally been released from prison! Okay, I do exaggerate a lot but what happened was I had to go through radiation therapy and be in isolation until say a week after I take the capsule as radioactive waves ain’t good for anyone else. Stayed in the ever so lurvely hospital room for three full days plus a bit, watching telly, reading, trying to come up with articles for FLOOD, talking on the phone and basically just trying to keep myself from going berserk. I guess I was lucky I can see a bit of sunshine but I didn’t actually open the windows until the final day. I don’t wanna be spreading some sorta virus everywhere (e.g. trying not to be selfish, but then again, maybe I’m just lazy).

>>> hospital lag <<<
So now I’m at home. Was meant to be released around midday but the body scan I was scheduled for got postponed to the arvo as someone had to be scanned ASAP. The scan took about 40 minutes. I was afraid it’s gonna be one of those tunnels that you have to go into and would cover you from head to just past your waist. Good thing it ain’t that. There was just a huge square camera that they try to adjust as close to your body as possible and then use it to scan the entire subject from feet up.

I saw the camera box inching up ever so slowly until it almost reaches my head. It was adjusted so low that I wonder whether my nose would hit the camera. I know I have too big a foot size for someone my height and I had to wonder about the height of my feet lying down versus the distance between the tip of my nose from the bed. I closed my eyes hoping someone is really monitoring me. The plastic hanging across the camera scanner was hitting my nose. It took forever and I did feel like a certain orange-yellow bear with a bee that decided to ‘hang out’ on its nose.

One of the nuclear folks took my pillow away, asked me to hold my chin a tad higher, adjusted the camera up a bit and told me not to move for approximately 10 minutes. Man, that felt like an eternity! And for some reason, the bee was still on Pooh’s nose. I was just glad they had the radio on so I can sing along in my head or whatever. I was in that position for about 15 minutes, assuming each song is less than 4 minutes long.

And then they had to tilt the camera about 50 degrees. I was confronted with the scanner thingamajig’s technical info as they flashed these red digits on the built-in LCDs. Another 15 minutes. The computer inside makes a beep beep sound akin to Microsoft Windows alerting you that your computer ain’t got enough memory to proceed with whatever you want it to to. They tilted the camera at 45 degrees, then same thing.

>>> flutter of thoughts <<<
Perhaps the hardest thing is not trying to think of how to spend the 40 minutes or so that I was lying stiff, it is the lying stiff part. Too many thoughts have run through my head and I felt the need for a foot spa. I thought about how high maintenance I’ve become. Maybe I’ve watched too much Queer Eye for the Straight Guy/Girl, read too much Vogue, Marie Claire, Bazaar and Rush. Straight guys, apparently are meant to have pedicures every month or so. I’ve never even had a single one and I’m a girl. Perhaps those gay men are trying to make metros out of straight dudes. Come to think of it, it’s nicer when everyone’s rather polished and all but then they cost so much. Not everyone gets given a celebrity’s pay check. Some people can’t even afford food.

I think my getting old just makes me conscious. Or I’m really deteriorating. Perhaps I worked too many coffee shop shifts that I just haven’t really chilled out and mellowed down just yet. Maybe I’m just vain but then maybe I do have that right being a girl because a lot of guys are much vainer.

>>> the so-called reflections <<<
I’ve had time to think my lifestyle through. The down time’s really good. Just what I needed to whack off my old timetable and start anew. I’ve managed to grow up from Starbucks, though realizing I still love Starbucks after going to the one in my district here in Manila. The Aussie ones are so different. Good and bad bits here and there.

Anyway, the constant things so far are my full time job and my volunteer work. I’ve got a cleaner slate now, more time for other things and this time I vow making things a bit more worth my while and aim things more towards my goals.

Now comes the serious parts: my goals. I’ve come to realize that cinematography is something I really love and it’s not fair to me, much more to my Creator to just shoo it away just because it is mainly a guy’s turf. So what? I have about a week to come up with an action plan. Sigh. I have no concrete idea as of this time except go to that film school in London… I wish…

And then there’s the writing part. I know I’m not the greatest. I’m not even great to begin with. I just have a certain knack, which a lot of people also have. Not very special, really… except… amongst all the things I can do, this is what I can do to a decent extent and what the heck, might as well pursue it. As to how… hmmm… still finalizing plans. I have my roughest drafts, which ain’t so bad at all.

So much things to do, so little time? Maybe not. After all, people win Oscars when they’re in their 60s.

>>> back to ‘reality’ reality <<<
Oh yeah, I’m still kinda isolated although in my own abode. I was spending a bit of outdoorsy time in the living room balcony a while back and I thought of shooting some downtown Manila aerial views but gee I couldn’t find my camera!!! It’s really in my parents’ room but I got told off when I tried to look for it there. Cos I might contaminate things! I probably already have. Oh well.

The November Deal

Okay, about 18 days to go until it's fly fly time to Sydney. Still haven't accomplished much. Still no water colours. Have plans on actually putting word-thoughts into tangible existence for the increased tangibility of "The Mag" but hey where's Nezzie?

Had been on so-very-informal meetings with Josc, fairly a toy around with ideas and well a few things have made the cut. It's really just a matter of expanding thoughts, mixing in a few logical ideas and translating everything so others can benefit from the fruits of our labour. It's good to be on the same time zone. But yeah Nezzie's still in hiatus.

Oh we've found our webmaster, too but we haven't got the materials yet so she's still idle until further notice. And we haven't figured out a way to compensate her, since we're poor and all. Poor is already stretching it. We've got NOTHING.

*lunch time*