mixed emotions

everything is under control. merely trying to sort things out. naming abstract things in an attempt to not overuse 'stuff,' 'thingo,' and the like. it's nice to lay out things in the open. it's like putting everything in perspective irregardless of emotional hang-ups.

i feel sick and tired perhaps of events that have since time in memorial occurred or have been occurring. work tops my list. i am going back to the broken windows of my life which i am trying to fix as i go along. so much has dampened the enthusiasm i have time and time again tried to revive. i can only blame ONE person for that little section of the company which i greatly deal with. i can feel the strain. and for that to happen to a 20-hour a week part timer is horrendously unacceptable. poor full timers. no wonder our little store hasn't gotten any. yet. whether or not this is really a broken window for me to fix, i cannot really tell. for the record, i'll have to restate my theory. i can only do my part.

now for broken window numero dos. hmmm... that would have to be uni, wouldn't it? but that is in the works. i'm prepping my "state of mind" so i can start reviewing (revising in aussie terms) for the finals. tis tis. it is in the works.

spirituality hits the third spot. perhaps i have to set my priorities straight. but then little steps are better than nothing and sometimes even better than bigger steps. i've gone to my first hillsong cell group meeting last tuesday. it was fun with an unintimidating attendance of 7 people including the cell leader and yours truly. lasted less than 2 hours (the "just right" amount of time). caught the train with my south african cell leader. she's lovely. we talked so much that i got a tad more hyper and couldn't get to bed in an instant.

inhale.... exhale... inhale... exhale...

i got a phone call not so long ago from a friend i met at film school. i reckon hanging out with him is tormenting. he would call once in a while (can range from a few weeks to a few months) and ask if i wanna see a movie or go to film festivals and that sort of stuff. sometimes i go just to catch up, other times i evade the torture chamber experience. i feel more like a shrink than anything without getting paid. perhaps it would be a consolation to get entertained with his rants.

i did not hear from him after the german film fest invite he sent me, which i politely declined. and a few days back he has sent me messages saying he has been to the hospital, and whatever else he's been up to. i conveniently forgot to reply on both instances. and then on the phone it was like "hi! how are you? i was in the hospital....." i asked a few polite questions which he tried to answer and then my battery dies, i tried to charge it, turned it on and the sim card stuffs up so i switch it to silent and left it like that.

it's just really tiring.

i feel like i can just reply 'uh-huh' to people who tell me they are dying.

that's gonna be sad.

1:36am >> breakfast

Pre 1:36 am activities included the following:
- working a 10-hour shift (inclusive of 2 10-minute krispy kreme breaks and a 30-minute hainan chicken rice break),
- making a mad dash to the neighboring store for cups,
- chatting with a friend en route back to my store,
- shopping and endless walking around the chosen shopping destination,
- semi-catching up with a couple of people I happen to bump into,
- doing loads and loads and loads of laudry,
- catching up with my "long lost" flatmate,
- chatting with my bro, dad and friends.

Currently feeling in dire need of a holiday. Potentially walked off all the krispy kremes I've eaten. Tired but feel obligated to attend to some "responsibilities."

I've gone through a rough patch the beginning of this year. With all pride and honesty I daresay I came out better than ever. There is a sense of blessedness being able to comprehend such similar circumstances other people deal with. There is an understanding of choices, of the different paths there is and what the consequences will or might be of each potential decision.

That is looking at the bright side of things.

*final essay editing over yummy maggi curry noodles*

I feel so accomplished being on the final stage of that group assignment due on Tuesday. It's still a thorn in my neck but I don't mind it just because I know I have a lot of time and I can afford to take it slow.

I'm back to breathing normally. I came home last night from my group meeting, dinner and coffee and then plunged into bed, decided to take advantage of the Breakfast at Tiffany's DVD lying in my room. I was meant to return it last week but my friend didn't have time to pick it up. My flatmate borrowed it so I can watch but I never had time til last night.

I'm hungry so I'm just eating whatever I can find. I just grocery-shopped 2 days ago and I think I might have to pop by Coles for another grocery shopping spree anytime soon.

Life's getting better.

Meanwhile, the only thing I find stressful is the stress level of people around me. I can't make them breathe if they don't want to. I don't see the point of killing myself for their sake either. Not again.

I was probably a martyr before. It's not like I got nothing out of it. I got something that convinced me to believe I'm better off getting nothing. Never again. Never ever again.

Life is really getting better.

I have to finish up my editing. This is more like it. More like the stuff I wanted to do. I wouldn't mind being sentenced to perpetual editing.

Realizations

My spelling is still American. Otherwise, I would have spelled realization with an 's'.

It's been a while... I didn't realize I've only posted 4 times. And looking at the dates, I was like is it day, month, year or month, day, year? I was accustomed to the American way (month, day, year) but well I have to adopt to Aussie. I work and I study. I'll be screwed if I don't comply with their standards.

Life's been good and I'm content. Not ecstaticly happy but content. My stress level is my blood level. It has to be up all the time, lest I deteriorate.

This week is Sydney Writers' Week. I'm meant to be volunteering cos I applied and they rang me but I missed their call and I rang them back for like a hundred times and then Miss Meredith went 'Ok, cool! What;s your address?' And then never sent me anything.

I applied cos I thought it would be interesting but I dunno nothing about the current writing scene so I don't really care plus I never got anything in the mail! Could our mailman be stealing mail? I haven't been receiving my bank statements either. Not that I have much in my account but I just confirmed with my bank and they said they've been sending the papers. What the...

I was just swamped with uni(versity) essays. Revenue law was the biggest bomb ever. I had to borrow 3 three-inch thick books from the library so I can read something else other than the poorly-edited required text. I was editing the book as I was reading it and it cost me freaking hundred bucks! But oh well I've handed in my bloody essay, which was bloody indeed.

Just have another one to hand in. A group one. This is the slack group. I'm still taking it easy. I need to breathe a little.

Had so little social life. Or maybe I just don't remember. Dinners are rushed. And the after dinner coffee moments are rather filled with rants (and occassional raves) on the normal grind of life. If only everyone can just chill forever. But then the world will amount to nothingness.

I learn about bad management at work. It is a whole course on its own. I learn the practical way and I use my brain because I have to develop my own plan of attack. You don't learn much about people in uni. And there's also a greater amount of fun that comes with work. Sounds strange but well I still give high regard to the coffee culture.

Can't wait for tuesday. By then I'll have about 3 weeks to chill. =)