Post-Retreat Reflections, or whatever it’s called!

>>> back track <<<
I’ve finally been released from prison! Okay, I do exaggerate a lot but what happened was I had to go through radiation therapy and be in isolation until say a week after I take the capsule as radioactive waves ain’t good for anyone else. Stayed in the ever so lurvely hospital room for three full days plus a bit, watching telly, reading, trying to come up with articles for FLOOD, talking on the phone and basically just trying to keep myself from going berserk. I guess I was lucky I can see a bit of sunshine but I didn’t actually open the windows until the final day. I don’t wanna be spreading some sorta virus everywhere (e.g. trying not to be selfish, but then again, maybe I’m just lazy).

>>> hospital lag <<<
So now I’m at home. Was meant to be released around midday but the body scan I was scheduled for got postponed to the arvo as someone had to be scanned ASAP. The scan took about 40 minutes. I was afraid it’s gonna be one of those tunnels that you have to go into and would cover you from head to just past your waist. Good thing it ain’t that. There was just a huge square camera that they try to adjust as close to your body as possible and then use it to scan the entire subject from feet up.

I saw the camera box inching up ever so slowly until it almost reaches my head. It was adjusted so low that I wonder whether my nose would hit the camera. I know I have too big a foot size for someone my height and I had to wonder about the height of my feet lying down versus the distance between the tip of my nose from the bed. I closed my eyes hoping someone is really monitoring me. The plastic hanging across the camera scanner was hitting my nose. It took forever and I did feel like a certain orange-yellow bear with a bee that decided to ‘hang out’ on its nose.

One of the nuclear folks took my pillow away, asked me to hold my chin a tad higher, adjusted the camera up a bit and told me not to move for approximately 10 minutes. Man, that felt like an eternity! And for some reason, the bee was still on Pooh’s nose. I was just glad they had the radio on so I can sing along in my head or whatever. I was in that position for about 15 minutes, assuming each song is less than 4 minutes long.

And then they had to tilt the camera about 50 degrees. I was confronted with the scanner thingamajig’s technical info as they flashed these red digits on the built-in LCDs. Another 15 minutes. The computer inside makes a beep beep sound akin to Microsoft Windows alerting you that your computer ain’t got enough memory to proceed with whatever you want it to to. They tilted the camera at 45 degrees, then same thing.

>>> flutter of thoughts <<<
Perhaps the hardest thing is not trying to think of how to spend the 40 minutes or so that I was lying stiff, it is the lying stiff part. Too many thoughts have run through my head and I felt the need for a foot spa. I thought about how high maintenance I’ve become. Maybe I’ve watched too much Queer Eye for the Straight Guy/Girl, read too much Vogue, Marie Claire, Bazaar and Rush. Straight guys, apparently are meant to have pedicures every month or so. I’ve never even had a single one and I’m a girl. Perhaps those gay men are trying to make metros out of straight dudes. Come to think of it, it’s nicer when everyone’s rather polished and all but then they cost so much. Not everyone gets given a celebrity’s pay check. Some people can’t even afford food.

I think my getting old just makes me conscious. Or I’m really deteriorating. Perhaps I worked too many coffee shop shifts that I just haven’t really chilled out and mellowed down just yet. Maybe I’m just vain but then maybe I do have that right being a girl because a lot of guys are much vainer.

>>> the so-called reflections <<<
I’ve had time to think my lifestyle through. The down time’s really good. Just what I needed to whack off my old timetable and start anew. I’ve managed to grow up from Starbucks, though realizing I still love Starbucks after going to the one in my district here in Manila. The Aussie ones are so different. Good and bad bits here and there.

Anyway, the constant things so far are my full time job and my volunteer work. I’ve got a cleaner slate now, more time for other things and this time I vow making things a bit more worth my while and aim things more towards my goals.

Now comes the serious parts: my goals. I’ve come to realize that cinematography is something I really love and it’s not fair to me, much more to my Creator to just shoo it away just because it is mainly a guy’s turf. So what? I have about a week to come up with an action plan. Sigh. I have no concrete idea as of this time except go to that film school in London… I wish…

And then there’s the writing part. I know I’m not the greatest. I’m not even great to begin with. I just have a certain knack, which a lot of people also have. Not very special, really… except… amongst all the things I can do, this is what I can do to a decent extent and what the heck, might as well pursue it. As to how… hmmm… still finalizing plans. I have my roughest drafts, which ain’t so bad at all.

So much things to do, so little time? Maybe not. After all, people win Oscars when they’re in their 60s.

>>> back to ‘reality’ reality <<<
Oh yeah, I’m still kinda isolated although in my own abode. I was spending a bit of outdoorsy time in the living room balcony a while back and I thought of shooting some downtown Manila aerial views but gee I couldn’t find my camera!!! It’s really in my parents’ room but I got told off when I tried to look for it there. Cos I might contaminate things! I probably already have. Oh well.