Post-Retreat Reflections, or whatever it’s called!

>>> back track <<<
I’ve finally been released from prison! Okay, I do exaggerate a lot but what happened was I had to go through radiation therapy and be in isolation until say a week after I take the capsule as radioactive waves ain’t good for anyone else. Stayed in the ever so lurvely hospital room for three full days plus a bit, watching telly, reading, trying to come up with articles for FLOOD, talking on the phone and basically just trying to keep myself from going berserk. I guess I was lucky I can see a bit of sunshine but I didn’t actually open the windows until the final day. I don’t wanna be spreading some sorta virus everywhere (e.g. trying not to be selfish, but then again, maybe I’m just lazy).

>>> hospital lag <<<
So now I’m at home. Was meant to be released around midday but the body scan I was scheduled for got postponed to the arvo as someone had to be scanned ASAP. The scan took about 40 minutes. I was afraid it’s gonna be one of those tunnels that you have to go into and would cover you from head to just past your waist. Good thing it ain’t that. There was just a huge square camera that they try to adjust as close to your body as possible and then use it to scan the entire subject from feet up.

I saw the camera box inching up ever so slowly until it almost reaches my head. It was adjusted so low that I wonder whether my nose would hit the camera. I know I have too big a foot size for someone my height and I had to wonder about the height of my feet lying down versus the distance between the tip of my nose from the bed. I closed my eyes hoping someone is really monitoring me. The plastic hanging across the camera scanner was hitting my nose. It took forever and I did feel like a certain orange-yellow bear with a bee that decided to ‘hang out’ on its nose.

One of the nuclear folks took my pillow away, asked me to hold my chin a tad higher, adjusted the camera up a bit and told me not to move for approximately 10 minutes. Man, that felt like an eternity! And for some reason, the bee was still on Pooh’s nose. I was just glad they had the radio on so I can sing along in my head or whatever. I was in that position for about 15 minutes, assuming each song is less than 4 minutes long.

And then they had to tilt the camera about 50 degrees. I was confronted with the scanner thingamajig’s technical info as they flashed these red digits on the built-in LCDs. Another 15 minutes. The computer inside makes a beep beep sound akin to Microsoft Windows alerting you that your computer ain’t got enough memory to proceed with whatever you want it to to. They tilted the camera at 45 degrees, then same thing.

>>> flutter of thoughts <<<
Perhaps the hardest thing is not trying to think of how to spend the 40 minutes or so that I was lying stiff, it is the lying stiff part. Too many thoughts have run through my head and I felt the need for a foot spa. I thought about how high maintenance I’ve become. Maybe I’ve watched too much Queer Eye for the Straight Guy/Girl, read too much Vogue, Marie Claire, Bazaar and Rush. Straight guys, apparently are meant to have pedicures every month or so. I’ve never even had a single one and I’m a girl. Perhaps those gay men are trying to make metros out of straight dudes. Come to think of it, it’s nicer when everyone’s rather polished and all but then they cost so much. Not everyone gets given a celebrity’s pay check. Some people can’t even afford food.

I think my getting old just makes me conscious. Or I’m really deteriorating. Perhaps I worked too many coffee shop shifts that I just haven’t really chilled out and mellowed down just yet. Maybe I’m just vain but then maybe I do have that right being a girl because a lot of guys are much vainer.

>>> the so-called reflections <<<
I’ve had time to think my lifestyle through. The down time’s really good. Just what I needed to whack off my old timetable and start anew. I’ve managed to grow up from Starbucks, though realizing I still love Starbucks after going to the one in my district here in Manila. The Aussie ones are so different. Good and bad bits here and there.

Anyway, the constant things so far are my full time job and my volunteer work. I’ve got a cleaner slate now, more time for other things and this time I vow making things a bit more worth my while and aim things more towards my goals.

Now comes the serious parts: my goals. I’ve come to realize that cinematography is something I really love and it’s not fair to me, much more to my Creator to just shoo it away just because it is mainly a guy’s turf. So what? I have about a week to come up with an action plan. Sigh. I have no concrete idea as of this time except go to that film school in London… I wish…

And then there’s the writing part. I know I’m not the greatest. I’m not even great to begin with. I just have a certain knack, which a lot of people also have. Not very special, really… except… amongst all the things I can do, this is what I can do to a decent extent and what the heck, might as well pursue it. As to how… hmmm… still finalizing plans. I have my roughest drafts, which ain’t so bad at all.

So much things to do, so little time? Maybe not. After all, people win Oscars when they’re in their 60s.

>>> back to ‘reality’ reality <<<
Oh yeah, I’m still kinda isolated although in my own abode. I was spending a bit of outdoorsy time in the living room balcony a while back and I thought of shooting some downtown Manila aerial views but gee I couldn’t find my camera!!! It’s really in my parents’ room but I got told off when I tried to look for it there. Cos I might contaminate things! I probably already have. Oh well.

The November Deal

Okay, about 18 days to go until it's fly fly time to Sydney. Still haven't accomplished much. Still no water colours. Have plans on actually putting word-thoughts into tangible existence for the increased tangibility of "The Mag" but hey where's Nezzie?

Had been on so-very-informal meetings with Josc, fairly a toy around with ideas and well a few things have made the cut. It's really just a matter of expanding thoughts, mixing in a few logical ideas and translating everything so others can benefit from the fruits of our labour. It's good to be on the same time zone. But yeah Nezzie's still in hiatus.

Oh we've found our webmaster, too but we haven't got the materials yet so she's still idle until further notice. And we haven't figured out a way to compensate her, since we're poor and all. Poor is already stretching it. We've got NOTHING.

*lunch time*

msn chats, nicks and tricks

Out of my sheer boredom, I was gee whiz on the internet the whole friggin' day. Sounds like work, only seemingly aimless and more entertaining. I was screaming "WHAT DO I DO NOW?" on msn whereby Josc went "What should Ivannah do now?" and to that, Sharon responded "I don't know what Ivannah should do." Upon seeing that, I just went "I know! Let's go to New York!" Sharon changed her sign to "I want to go to New York, too!" and then we had our roughest roughest plan.

Okay, so maybe I'm getting my hopes up once again. As to why I wanted to go, I'm not really sure. Perhaps it's the flashing of lights. Anyway, I just wanted to look around. I might score a job while I'm at it and who knows what else? Har! Har! Har!

```

I have ended another era yesterday. Bombed another comfort zone. I have constantly weighed the odds and finally decided on something. It was just time and it was good for everybody. I have finally quit *GASP* Starbucks.

Flashback to 3 years and 4 months ago, I was thrilled to have gotten the job, disappointed from the reactions I've received after spreading the news and well had a rather rough month of training. I was just picked on, however, I know that wouldn't be the end of it. Figuratively, I grew up there, being picked on by all these managers just because I've never really worked before and had no clue and I was just easy to pick on. It was heaps rewarding to end up on their good side later on. And well, too much memories, experiences and the like.

It was a bed of roses with thorns scattered pretty much everywhere. You just get thick-skinned after getting used to being pricked here and there. Customer-service, after all, teaches you how to keep a cheery smiley face despite the inner urge to spit into someone's coffee, at the very minimum.

I have previously said or maybe implied that my 6 week hiatus from Sydney and all of what Sydney life has been about has made me think about shifting things around and this is just one of those. It was difficult but hey, I have to grow up and get my priorities straight.

~~~

Where's my watercolour? I've been asking my brother for days. I've resorted to asking a more reliable individual to do the deed on my behalf. Afterall, my dad did use to buy me the best colour palettes that I've ever known. He goes for quality, too not even knowing how or what or why I paint. I really should have just brought my colours over. I haven't used them for three years and that's just sad.

~~~

Relo connection! My Auntie Julie rang today looking for mom and she didn't realize that I picked up the phone, that I am still here and that I went for an op. So I had to fill her in and perhaps we'll go eat or something in a few days. I've got all these invites from people but geez, I'm seriously getting tired of asking for mom's permission to let me go just cos I get the same old answers and I get to hear her slightly raise her voice at me. After 25 years, you can sense even the slightest hint of those.... waaaaahhhh...

My pretty much long lost cuz went to Sydney. Everyone I knew knows that because I coulnd't stop talking about it. Because I as excited but I THINK when he as in Sydney I'd gone to Manila and now, I think he's come home. I bet they had fun. It was their honeymoon afterall. But sigh, he's back to being the long lost cousin.

Thus ends my internet adventures for today. Until next time here on....

The Black Dot On The White Page!

Toodalooo!

Obviously, I'm bored.

rockin' and rockin' and rockin'...

THREE WEEKS turn out to be six. By the end of it all, I deem myself lucky to still be employed in my ever replaceable post at that big corporation. Whatever else is next is way beyond me. Besides, I am stuck in a crack, not a valley, between two mountains whereby I have yet to figure out how to get out and who knows what else.

IDLENESS is something I have subconsciously learned to loathe overtime. Whilst I still tend towards living the fast hasty life and doing everything the speedy snappy way, I try hard to inhale every second or so, taking my time in the process. I have pushed myself almost over the edge.

FOR WHAT SEEMED LIKE THE ENTIRETY OF MY QUARTER LIFE, I have been set on to set my thoughts out, sort through everything and well organize my life. I've never really gone from point A to point B. Perhaps there is no point. Perhaps I am wasting my time thinking there is a mess to be fixed. Perhaps everything just falls into place in a snow globe manner, after which, you sort out what needs to be sorted out. Perhaps there is such a thing as being overly cautious that most of the time you do miss out on the best bits of life when you try so hard to fix and not miss out on everything. It just doesn't work that way. In other words, time for Plan B.

PSYCH ME MOMENT, here it comes again. I never would have thought, not in my quarter life, that I'd get sick. Whatever was given to me a few months back seemed to dangle on the edge of a cliff. I long to hold on, I seriously do but then I thought I should just let go. Perhaps it's how we can make way for better things. And I seriously wonder if this is all a mind game. I just cannot believe it's time for one again.

HOLEy but UNanesthetized

Currently in a state of part limbo due to the post operational mode, which is inevitable after having to subject myself to a challenge beyond any other. While it was partly a choice, it is pretty much one of life or death, where life clearly bellows its anthem for 99 reasons out of 100.

The challenge is not the choice itself for if that was so, it would have been as easy as flicking a coin or asking one random person on the street to pull a straw out of a hat.

The first time I’ve ever heard of it, I couldn’t help shed a tear. Thereafter, things just fell into place and while my surgeon’s secretary reckons I was scared senseless, maybe because I was timid, I was not.

I had a fair share of prayers, perhaps reality brought forth many many more than I’ve ever imagined. I was surprised that right to the point where they gave me the required dose of anaesthesia, I was calm. I did wonder why and I did ponder on the whole process. I slept like a baby, just like any other night. I even dreamt and I have absolutely no recollection of what the dream was about.

The next thing I know, the surgeon’s waking me up, asking me to clear my throat and one of the doctors said I was biting my lip for the entire duration. I wish somebody had video taped the process. I didn’t even get to see my thyroid, much less the lump.

The Recovery Room period was synonymous to what I think hell would be like. However, while the latter would be fiery hot, the former was overly chilly, hence they put a light by my bed, whereby I felt like a chicken with eggs that are about to hatch. I spewed a good many times and my head felt like it was about to explode. I sincerely asked the attending staff if I could sit up. NO.

Next up, my right hand where they’ve put the dextrose has blown up like a pin cushion as the needle was knocked off the vein during the operation. I was reminded of Shallow Hall, my brother said it was like The Nutty Professor.

And that was the longest moment of my life. I think I was in recovery for a couple of hours and then I was told that I’ll be going back to my room after I’ve had my sit up attempt when the attendant was not looking. I felt a tingle of blood flow down my neck and then I slowly lied back down. I still had to wait a good 30 minutes or so as they had papers to sign and all that so-called formality. I decided to nod off the remaining minutes.

Finally they pushed the stretcher out of the Recovery Dungeon and into the hallways. I felt the tremendous Filo heat and missed the chilly air of the dungeon. Right before I reached my room, I felt a surge of vomit longing to be released from their entrapment. I made an awful sound, the pushers did not react in haste and then I decided to vomit on the side of the stretcher and let it drip down the hospital floors. Hey, I won’t ever get away with this on just any given day. Besides, I wouldn’t want to swallow used up, spoiled rotten anaesthetic.

For the next couple of days, I refused to lie down and even sleep. Thank goodness for the sit-ups and crunches in jazz class, I could pretty much get up without using too much of my neck muscles.

Was up walking around and all the second day. I had my series of blood tests and needle pokes. Progress, in my book has been speedy. It just gets better each day. The bugs bunny threads sticking out of my neck has been removed this morning and I’ll pretty much go back to doing normal people stuff.

On the downer side of things, I’ll be subject to radiation for a number of sessions just to be on the safe side. That being said, anything can happen.

I guess I have more things to be thankful for. Whatever was dubbed suffering during the entire challenge was not at all prolonged, the operation was on the nose, the needlework was top notch and the lab results were non-malignant. Not to forget I’ve had a lot of tv and dvd time, me time, family time plus rest and relaxation. Stuff I couldn’t have managed in Sydney.

Friday will be some kind of d-day as to what is going to happen next. Sigh. Holding my breath. Crossing my fingers. Change ain’t so bad, I just had to let out a cry for all things I’ve had that I’ve grown attached to in Sydney.

Things can still get way better than that.