mixed emotions

everything is under control. merely trying to sort things out. naming abstract things in an attempt to not overuse 'stuff,' 'thingo,' and the like. it's nice to lay out things in the open. it's like putting everything in perspective irregardless of emotional hang-ups.

i feel sick and tired perhaps of events that have since time in memorial occurred or have been occurring. work tops my list. i am going back to the broken windows of my life which i am trying to fix as i go along. so much has dampened the enthusiasm i have time and time again tried to revive. i can only blame ONE person for that little section of the company which i greatly deal with. i can feel the strain. and for that to happen to a 20-hour a week part timer is horrendously unacceptable. poor full timers. no wonder our little store hasn't gotten any. yet. whether or not this is really a broken window for me to fix, i cannot really tell. for the record, i'll have to restate my theory. i can only do my part.

now for broken window numero dos. hmmm... that would have to be uni, wouldn't it? but that is in the works. i'm prepping my "state of mind" so i can start reviewing (revising in aussie terms) for the finals. tis tis. it is in the works.

spirituality hits the third spot. perhaps i have to set my priorities straight. but then little steps are better than nothing and sometimes even better than bigger steps. i've gone to my first hillsong cell group meeting last tuesday. it was fun with an unintimidating attendance of 7 people including the cell leader and yours truly. lasted less than 2 hours (the "just right" amount of time). caught the train with my south african cell leader. she's lovely. we talked so much that i got a tad more hyper and couldn't get to bed in an instant.

inhale.... exhale... inhale... exhale...

i got a phone call not so long ago from a friend i met at film school. i reckon hanging out with him is tormenting. he would call once in a while (can range from a few weeks to a few months) and ask if i wanna see a movie or go to film festivals and that sort of stuff. sometimes i go just to catch up, other times i evade the torture chamber experience. i feel more like a shrink than anything without getting paid. perhaps it would be a consolation to get entertained with his rants.

i did not hear from him after the german film fest invite he sent me, which i politely declined. and a few days back he has sent me messages saying he has been to the hospital, and whatever else he's been up to. i conveniently forgot to reply on both instances. and then on the phone it was like "hi! how are you? i was in the hospital....." i asked a few polite questions which he tried to answer and then my battery dies, i tried to charge it, turned it on and the sim card stuffs up so i switch it to silent and left it like that.

it's just really tiring.

i feel like i can just reply 'uh-huh' to people who tell me they are dying.

that's gonna be sad.